last night, while getting ready for bed, chris picked up the cat and held her over the toilet as though he was going to drop her in the bowl. then he put her back down on the tile and said, "don't worry, kitty. i'm not going to flush you down the toilet. you wouldn't fit!"

"we'd have to chop her into pieces, " i told him.

"chop her up into diarrhea," he exclaimed. "that's what it means when you've got a lot of little pieces of runny shit."

i laughed pretty hard at that. "that's the definition of diarrhea. noun: a lot of little pieces of runny shit."

"see also, the cat," chris added.

it's not about who or where or what or what she said t or what i said or where i was going.
it's not about big thoughts. it's not about adventures. these are not important because they're not what's happening. what is important is taking care of the day to day so we can enjoy small pleasures. making money so i can buy a new camera, or him a new bike. so we can have cable and watch the shows we love together.. doing laundry and cleaning up out of pride. because it makes us feel good to have a nice home we love.there is no taking notes on experiences or places or activities. the activities aren't that grand. cooking at home. going for walks. he golfs. i knot. even the inner journey has slimmed down. not so introspective.there is still much to describe. the humidity. the heat turning all the leaves. the long days. the lack of sunsets. a nice picnic date. recipes.planting flowe's. him crawling into bed with me this morning for a snooze snuggle after his shower. entering from my side of the bed to spoon, plump and fresh. the muscles in my legs. the written journal is for grand thoughts. they don't happen when i type. when i type, i report. so, report.

my grandparents have a facebook profile. mamma too and pa have a facebook profile. it may be time to delete my profile. again.

in other news: serious nausea all day. again. even my days off aren't fun anymore.

Materials
• 1 (2) 25 g balls Rowan Kidsilk Haze, shade 590 Pearl
• 1 pair size 10 (6 mm) knitting needles
• 1 size 9 (5.5 mm) circular needle (sharp-pointed for lacework), 24 ins (60 cm) long
• Stitch markers
• Row counter

Measurements
Wrap: Approximately 30 x 60 ins (76 x 142 cm) blocked

Gauge
12 sts and 16 rows = 3 x 3-1/2 ins (7.5 x 8.75 cm) over unblocked knot-stitch pattern using a size 9 circular needle or the size required to obtain the correct gauge.

Abbreviations
LHN: left-hand needle
RHN: right-hand needle
PM: place marker
SM: slip marker
Sl1P: slip 1 purlwise
skpo: slip one stitch, knit one stitch, pass slipped stitch over
C4B: Place RHN in front of first 2 sts on LHN, insert RHN into front of next 2 sts on LHN from right to left. Slide all 4 sts off LHN, keeping original 2 sts on RHN and slipping first 2 sts off LHN. Place the loose 2 sts back on LHN, then replace the pair of sts from RHN, thereby crossing them over the sts already on LHN. Knit these 4 sts.

Notes
- The number of stitches changes over the rows.
- Slip the markers when working across the rows.

Knot-stitch sample swatch
Cast on a multiple of 3 sts (12 sts are used for this sample swatch).
Row 1 (RS): Knit.
Row 2: K2, *yo, K3, then use the tip of LHN to lift the first knit stitch of the 3 sts just worked over the last two knit sts; rep from * to last st, K1.
Row 3: Knit.
Row 4: K1, *K3, then use the tip of LHN to lift the first knit stitch of the 3 sts just worked over the last two knit sts, yo; rep from * to last 2 sts, K2.
These four rows form the knot-stitch pattern.

Scarf and wrap
Using size 10 needles and the cable method, cast on 13 sts for swirl border, PM, 60 sts for centre panel of wrap, PM, 13 sts for swirl border. 86 sts for wrap.
Change to size 9 circular needle and work back and forth.
Row 1 (RS): Sl1P, K1, yo, K2tog, yo, K5, yo, K4, SM, K60, SM, K4, yo, K5, yo, K2ttog, yo, K2. 90 sts.

Row 2 (WS): Sl1P, K1, purl to marker, SM, K2, *yo, K3, then use the tip of LHN to lift the first knit st of the 3 sts just worked over the last 2 knit sts; rep from * to last st before marker, K1, SM, purl to last 2 sts, K2.

Row 3: Sl1P, [K2tog, yo] twice, K2, sl1, K2tog, psso, K5, SM, knit to marker, SM, K5, sl1, K2tog, psso, K2, [yo, K2tog] twice, K1. 86 sts.

Row 4: Sl1P, K1, purl to marker, SM, K1, *K3, then use the tip of LHN to lift the first knit stitch of the 3 sts just worked over the last 2 knit sts, yo; rep from * to last 2 sts before marker, K2, SM, purl to last 2 sts, K2.

Row 5: Sl1P, [K2tog, yo] twice, K2, skpo, K4, SM, knit to marker, SM, k4, skpo, K2, [yo, K2tog] twice, K1. 84 sts.

Rows 6: Sl1P, K1, purl to marker, SM, K2, *yo, K3, then use the tip of LHN to lift the first knit st of the 3 sts just worked over the last 2 knit sts; rep from * to last st before marker, K1, SM, purl to last 2 sts, K2.

Row 7: Sl1P, [K2tog, yo] twice, K2, skpo, K3, SM, knit to marker, SM, K3, skpo, K2, [yo, K2tog] twice, K1. 82 sts.

Row 8: Sl1P, K1, purl to marker, SM, K1, *K3, then use the tip of LHN to lift the first knit stitch of the 3 sts just worked over the last 2 knit sts, yo; rep from * to last 2 sts before marker, K2, SM, purl to last 2 sts, K2.

Row 9: Sl1P, [K2tog, yo] twice, K2, skpo, K2, SM, knit to marker, SM, K2, skpo, K2, [yo, K2tog] twice, K1. 80 sts.

Row 10: Sl1P, K1, purl to marker, SM, K2, *yo, K3, then use the tip of LHN to lift the first knit st of the 3 sts just worked over the last 2 knit sts; rep from * to last st before marker, K1, SM, purl to last 2 sts, K2.

Row 11: Sl1P, K1, yo, K2tog, yo, K1, yo, K2, skpo, K1, SM, knit to marker, SM, K1, skpo, K2, yo, K1, yo, K2tog, yo, K2. 82 sts.

Row 12: Sl1P, K1, purl to marker, SM, K1, *K3, then use the tip of LHN to lift the first knit stitch of the 3 sts just worked over the last 2 knit sts, yo; rep from * to last 2 sts before marker, K2, SM, purl to last 2 sts, K2.

Row 13: Sl1P, K1, yo, K2tog, [yo, K3] twice, K1, SM, knit to marker, SM, K1, [K3, yo] twice, K2tog, yo, K2. 86 sts.

Row 14: Sl1P, K1, purl to marker, SM, K2, *yo, K3, then use the tip of LHN to lift the first knit st of the 3 sts just worked over the last 2 knit sts; rep from * to last st before marker, K1, SM, purl to last 2 sts, K2.

Row 15: Sl1P, K1, yo, K2tog, yo, K5, yo, K4, SM, K60, SM, K4, yo, K5, yo, K2ttog, yo, K2. 90 sts.

Row 16: Sl1P, K1, purl to marker, SM, K1, *K3, then use the tip of LHN to lift the first knit stitch of the 3 sts just worked over the last 2 knit sts, yo; rep from * to last 2 sts before marker, K2, SM, purl to last 2 sts, K2.

Row 17: Sl1P, [K2tog, yo] twice, K2, sl1, K2tog, psso, K5, SM, knit to marker, SM, K5, sl1, K2tog, psso, K2, [yo, K2tog] twice, K1. 86 sts.

Row 18: Sl1P, K1, purl to marker, SM, K2, *yo, K3, then use the tip of LHN to lift the first knit st of the 3 sts just worked over the last 2 knit sts; rep from * to last st before marker, K1, SM, purl to last 2 sts, K2.

Row 19: Sl1P, [K2tog, yo] twice, K2, skpo, K4, SM, knit to marker, SM, k4, skpo, K2, [yo, K2tog] twice, K1. 84 sts.

Row 20: Sl1P, K1, purl to marker, SM, K1, *K3, then use the tip of LHN to lift the first knit stitch of the 3 sts just worked over the last 2 knit sts, yo; rep from * to last 2 sts before marker, K2, SM, purl to last 2 sts, K2.

Row 21: Sl1P, [K2tog, yo] twice, K2, sl1, K2tog, psso, K5, SM, knit to marker, SM, K5, sl1, K2tog, psso, K2, [yo, K2tog] twice, K1. 86 sts.

Row 22: Sl1P, K1, purl to marker, SM, K2, *yo, K3, then use the tip of LHN to lift the first knit st of the 3 sts just worked over the last 2 knit sts; rep from * to last st before marker, K1, SM, purl to last 2 sts, K2.

Row 23: Sl1P, [K2tog, yo] twice, K2, skpo, K2, SM, knit to marker, SM, K2, skpo, K2, [yo, K2tog] twice, K1. 80 sts.

Row 24: Sl1P, K1, purl to marker, SM, K1, *K3, then use the tip of LHN to lift the first knit stitch of the 3 sts just worked over the last 2 knit sts, yo; rep from * to last 2 sts before marker, K2, SM, purl to last 2 sts, K2.

Row 25: Sl1P, K1, yo, K2tog, yo, K1, yo, K2, skpo, K1, SM, knit to marker, SM, K1, skpo, K2, yo, K1, yo, K2tog, yo, K2. 82 sts.

Row 26: Sl1P, K1, purl to marker, SM, K2, *yo, K3, then use the tip of LHN to lift the first knit st of the 3 sts just worked over the last 2 knit sts; rep from * to last st before marker, K1, SM, purl to last 2 sts, K2.

Row 27: Sl1P, K1, yo, K2tog, [yo, K3] twice, K1, SM, knit to marker, SM, K1, [K3, yo] twice, K2tog, yo, K2. 86 sts


For the wrap only
Change to crossed eyelet stitch.
Row 28 and every even row (WS): Sl1P, K1, purl to marker, SM, *K1, P8, K1; repeat from * 5 times, SM, purl to last 2 sts, K2.

Row 29 (RS): Sl1P, K1, yo, K2tog, yo, K5, yo, K4, SM, *P1, K8, P1, repeat from * 5 times, SM, K4, yo, K5, yo, K2tog, yo, K2. 90 sts.

Row 31: Sl1P, [K2tog, yo] twice, K2, sl1, K2tog, psso, K5, SM, *P1, K1, [skpo, yo] 3 times, K1, P1, repeat from * 5 times, SM, K5, sl1, K2tog, psso, K2, [yo, K2tog] twice, K1. 86 sts.

Row 33: Sl1P, [K2tog, yo] twice, K2, skpo, K4, SM, *P1, K1, [skpo, yo] 3 times, K1, P1, repeat from * 5 times, SM, K4, skpo, K2, [yo, K2tog] twice, K1. 84 sts.

Row 35: Sl1P, [K2tog, yo] twice, K2, skpo, K3, SM, *P1, [skpo, yo] 3 times, K2, P1, repeat from * 5 times, SM, K3, skpo, K2, [yo, K2tog] twice, K1. 82 sts.

Row 37: Sl1P, [K2tog, yo] twice, K2, skpo, K2, SM, *P1, K1, [skpo, yo] twice, K3, P1, repeat from * 5 times, SM, K2, skpo, K2, [yo, K2tog] twice, K1. 80 sts.

Row 39: Sl1P, K1, yo, K2tog, yo, K1, yo, K2, skpo, K1, SM, P1, C4B, K4, P1, repeat from * 5 times, SM, K1, skpo, K2, yo, K1, yo, K2tog, yo, K2. 82 sts.

Row 41: Sl1P, K1, yo, K2tog, [yo, K3] twice, K1, SM, *P1, K8, P1, repeat from * to next marker, SM, K1, [K3, yo] twice, K2tog, yo, K2. 86 sts.

Row 42 (WS): Sl1P, K1, purl to marker, SM, *K1, P8, K1; repeat from * 5 times, SM, purl to last 2 sts, K2.

Repeat rows 29-42 until wrap reaches desired length minus approximately 7 inches (18 cm) for remaining knot stitch, ending last repeat after a 41st row. The wrap in the photograph has 18 repeats of the crossed-eyelet-stitch pattern.

Change to knot stitch.
Row 280 (WS): Sl1P, K1, purl to marker, SM, *K1, P8, K1; repeat from * 5 times, SM, purl to last 2 sts, K2.

Row 281 (RS): Sl1P, K1, yo, K2tog, yo, K5, yo, K4, SM, *P1, K8, P1; repeat from * to next marker, SM, K4, yo, K5, yo, K2tog, yo, K2.
Rows 282-307: Repeat rows 2-27.

Row 308: Sl1P, K1, purl to marker, SM, K1, *K3, then use the tip of LHN to lift the first knit stitch of the 3 sts just worked over the last 2 knit sts, yo; rep from * to last 2 sts before marker, K2, SM, purl to last 2 sts, K2.

Bind off loosely on RS as follows:
Using size 10 needles, *K2tog loosely, slip the stitch just made on RHN back to LHN, repeat from *.

Finishing
Weave in ends.
Block by the damp-finishing method.

this is not the best i can do. this is what i do.

for so long, i have told myself that i can't draw. i've told myself that the only people who are talented are those who can draw realistically. how foolish! being able to draw realistically makes others more talented than i am about as much as it makes them a photo printer. this is nowhere near the most realistic drawing of myself i've ever done, but i'm really pleased with it. and a couple months ago, i threw away the most realistic drawing of myself i've ever done. i didn't like looking at it because it took me forever to do and i knew someone else could have done it better, could have drawn me more realistically. i like this picture because no one else would have drawn me exactly like this. with the same concept and the same tools, they would have done it however they felt was best.

it reminds me of when annie and bryan were over one night and we were listening to erlend's dj kicks cd while cooking dinner. bryan said, "i could write a better song than this with my asshole." and the night at starbucks when i was complaining to ricky and amanda about jackson pollock being a hack. anybody could do that! i could do that! "but you didn't," amanda said. because i wouldn't! exactly, dumbass. even with the same concept and tools, it would have been what i thought was best. even if bryan did write a song with his asshole, it absolutely would not have been down-tempo house.

"perhaps you can write better if you leave the mistakes." -jorge luis borges

i talk about finding uniqueness and then want to fix all my mistakes. make it exactly right. exactly how it looks. exactly what someone else would do. idiot. obviously, i want it to look like what i'm trying to draw, but giving it permission to be imperfect allowed me to be able to focus on communicating. if i am less hard on myself, i'll want to draw more, and with the practice, i'll get better. this my thinking. i kind of chanted to myself "leave the mistakes" as i chose which pencil lines to trace with my pens.

i wasn't even going to sit down and draw this today. i had the idea and thought i should probably go buy a peacock feather so i could understand it. i thought i should have my dad take a picture of my mom's vanity and email it to me so i could make sure i got all the details just right. oh, and i "didn't have time" to do it today, as if there's anything more important than drawing before i go to work at 4:30. but i didn't want to lose the idea, so i decided to do a quick sketch. a lot of erasing and do-overs, some inexpensive bic felt tips i love, and a set of plain ol' dinky crayola colored pencils later, and i'm really proud of myself for trying while it was a fresh, exciting idea. i drew the peacock feather really quickly and lightly from a picture i googled. i just was using it for reference, but i liked it once i was done coloring the other side and decided to color it, too.

as a girl, i really hated that we call this a vanity. vanity is such a negative word and i hated the idea that looking at yourself in the mirror automatically made you a vain person. these days, i'm really a fan of calling things what they are, and i think "vanity" is the perfect name for any area created so one can comfortably sit for a length of time solely to ensure they look great. i always really liked my mom's vanity and would love to have some monstrous antique one of my own, even though it would definitely take up much more room than it was worth. vanity is one of those parts of my personality i'm trying to come to terms with and really consider. i've been obsessed with growing out my hair. when i picture myself in my head, it's with long, gorgeous hair. i still want it, but i don't like the reasons why i want it, so i'm thinking about that.

we expect our lovers to be our soul mates. That’s a lot of pressure to put on our lovers. We can’t expect them to be our everythings. If it was possible for one person to be what everything we need, we wouldn’t need our friends. I need other deep relationships besides my relationship with chris. I need a best friend appropriate for me at this point in my life. How do I find that?

Clothing as armor
Fear of showing sensitivity ----->
Chris is part of that.
He thinks it’s goofy.
Want others to find me callous.
Emotion is anger.
Even though I’m not angry.
“You do not really confide in many people, then they do not know you, and then you quickly surmise they do not understand and love you.” Anais nin pg 121

I’m not ready to say anything about me, and I don’t want my clothing to, either.

Today is the day I lift the ban on white clothing. I wake up with a need for blankness. I don’t need my clothing to express my individuality right now. I think to myself, “If I wore muted colors every day and didn’t speak, who would I be?” The desire to simplify my life comes from a need to identify what’s really going on. If I lived alone and took away all the unnecessary crap. If I lived in a blank cabin in the woods, bare bones, with no one to impress or explain myself to, what would be left. I am literally asking, “Who am I?”


I put on my uniform 6 days in a row. Red and khaki everyday. The only other thing I wear is pajamas. I’ve been asked if I dress goth outside of work. “Uh, no... actually, I dress like Rainbow Brite.” Am I combating the way I act with the way I dress? More fear of being misunderstood. I’ve talked with fellow employees about how odd each of us looks outside of red and khaki. How easy we are to ignore while out of uniform. It used to feel so strange wearing the same thing every day. I see someone come in on their day off, look at their clothes and think, “Oh, that’s what kind of person they are.” Individuality is difficult to express. When you try to through what you wear, you could intimidate others. Give them a false impression. Keep them from getting to know you. I want to be blank so I can get to know myself. Who is in there?

“The basis of insincerity is the idealized image we hold of ourselves and wish to impose on others – an admirable image.” – Anais Nin

songs

take on me - a-ha
behind the wheel (live) - depeche mode
serenade for winds 3rd movement - mozart
ordinary world - duran duran
black - pearl jam
plowed - sponge
last goodbye - jeff buckley
tomorrow never knows - the beatles
regret - new order
stars - hum
hummer - smashing pumpkins
she runs away - duncan sheik
1979 - smashing pumpkins
narcolepsy - ben folds five
lonely soul - UNKLE/richard ashcroft
setting sun - chemical brothers
born slippy - underworld
pink moon - nick drake
(your love keeps lifting me) higher & higher - jackie wilson
morning bell (kid a version) - radiohead
elevators (me and you) - outkast
only in dreams - weezer
little fluffy clouds - the orb
so strong (sander kleinenberg mix) - ben shaw
carry the zero - built to spill
the audience - herbert
gold in the air of summer - kings of convenience
same - dani siciliano
tables and chairs - andrew bird
the boy with the thorn in his side - the smiths
poor leno (silikon soul remix)/there is a light that never goes out (acapella) - röyksopp v/s erlend øye
pocketful of money - jens lekman
never seen blue - tori amos
keep falling - hot chip



albums

violator - depeche mode
siamese dream - smashing pumpkins
weezer - weezer
harvest moon - neil young
ok computer - radiohead
dig your own hole - chemical brothers
out there and back - paul van dyk
kid a - radiohead
vespertine - bjork
photo album - death cab for cutie
blue - joni mitchell
global underground: 19 - john digweed
bodily functions - herbert
gish - smashing pumpkins
riot on an empty street - kings of convenience
you're so silent jens - jens lekman

My Diary November 29, 1991 - September 19, 1994 5th grade - 7th grade

My Heart 2 Heart Diary December 1995 - July 1996 freshman year

Eyes February 1998* - September 2002 junior year - sophomore year of college - planet xchange

*Lord Byron winter 1998 & 1999 christmas senior year

Suede September 2002 - June 2004 planet, dropout club, isolation from 129, medicated depression, pot-head, problems with chris

Tragic Thoughts June 2004 - September 2004 more of the same

Delirium September 2004** - September 2005 potlucks, ma, off medication, lose weight, feel great, g & s marriage, key-holder.

**CD Project April 2005




phase one:

birth - middle school

phase two:

high school - September 2000 (129)

phase three:

September 2000 - february 2001

phase four:

march 2001 (chris) - February 2005

phase five:

march 2005 - April 2006

phase six:

may 2006 (unemployment) - December 2007

phase seven:

January 2008 - currently

always tell him what you’re thinking about. He likes to know what’s on your mind. You know that because he told you so. Even the stuff that makes you blush or feel ashamed. Tell him your ideas. He can help you build them. Tell him your dreams. even if they’re silly. Don’t be afraid to open up to him. He will not ridicule you. He is supportive. If he ever did ridicule you, you’d point it out to him. you wouldn’t let him get away with anything. So don’t worry about that. He is on your side.

While sick and about to pass out on cough medicine, you confessed your desire to share your life, your discoveries, your art, and yourself with others, but you weren’t sure how to find people who would want to listen and share as well. Your journals hold what you consider to be important discoveries about yourself. Why do you feel compelled to share with others? Where does this need to feel like you’re understood come from? (It’s arm and arm with hoping there is meaning behind living, even though you don’t believe in an afterlife.) Is this a root of your fear of being ridiculed? Is part of it the fear of being misunderstood? Chris says he wants to help me find a way to build more confidence. He thinks that’s the root. I feel like I’m not as good as the strangers I fear will ridicule me.

Being a kinder person ------>
do not allow others to mistake your candid nature for anger or hatefulness. Watch your tone. You know you’re not angry. Make sure others do, too. Same goes for joking. Don’t allow others to think you’re being unkind when you think you’re being funny. It’s your responsibility to make sure you’re being understood, and you will feel more confident if you know others understand you. You are in control of whether or not others think you’re mean. Watch your words. Make an honest attempt to avoid language that others consider unprofessional. It’s ok to show frustration, but make sure others know you appreciate their hard work. Recognize them publicly. Resist the urge to sound callous over showing emotion. Make eye contact. Smile.